The Fed

It's the End of the World... Eventually

The Many Ways This Bad Boy's REALLY Checkin Out

Mark Kuba

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What if the world doesn’t end on January 1, 2000? What if the world continues on? You might think that your Y2K bomb shelter was a complete waste of money, and you may feel a little embarrassed about the 18 months of food you’ve stockpiled, but don’t fret: the Fed has come up with a list of Alternate End of the World Scenarios to fan your paranoia flames.

Overpopulation

According to a recent United Nations study, the population of the Earth will exceed 35 billion by the year 2010. Okay, I actually pulled those numbers out of my ass, but the point is that the world will soon be more crowded than protesters at a WTO meeting. Before you know it, you’ll be scavenging for food: digging through trash, gnawing on twigs, or, as a last resort, going to John Jay.

Chinese Conspiracy

Imagine the entire population of China jumping off their chairs at the same time, causing the Earth to spin out of control and caroom into the Sun, if timed correctly. Don’t tell me that you don’t wake up in a cold sweat every now and then thinking about it. Down with Capitalist Imperialism!

SuperVirus / Biological Warfare

You may have seen "Outbreak," that Dustin Hoffman movie about a humanity-endangering virus. Unfortunately, in the real world, Dustin Hoffman is just not that smart. So if we ever get into a situation in which a deadly virus is threatening the very existence of our species, don’t expect Dustin Hoffman to lend a hand.

Nuclear Fallout

The Soviet Union’s old nuclear arsenal is being exchanged on the black market for badly needed supplies and resources. But don’t think they’re just giving it away! At the current rate, a well connected terrorist organization could get a few intercontinental ballistic missiles for a jug of water and a loaf of bread. Man, it’s a good thing the price is so high, or else... oh crap.

Earth crashes into Sun

The Earth’s orbit is slowly but surely collapsing, and in a mere hundred thousand years or so, we will crash into the sun. Dress for the weather; light cotton knits and SPF 10 should do it. Boy, the folks at work will be impressed with your tan if their eyes haven’t melted.

Asteroid crashes into Earth

160 million years ago, a big rock hit the Earth. 70% of all living creatures on the Earth died because of the dust clouds stirred up by the impact. It killed the dinosaurs, and what makes you think that you’re better than them? I personally doubt that your brain is any bigger than a walnut.

The Mole People Come For You

I think it’s time we declared war on those mole people before they come up through our sewer systems and kill us in our sleep. However, chances are that my dire warnings will be completely ignored, until the fateful day when the mole people come for you. Then I’ll be the one laughing, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Massive Worldwide Volcanic Eruptions

You know, those mole people have earthquake machines, too. I know because I saw it on TV. If they can’t get us in our sleep, they can always activate the machines in their underground lair. Oh, I’m supposed to talk about volcanoes? If you ask me, it’s those mole people we should be watching out for, they’re crafty little buggers.

Alien Invasion

Sure, slavery sounds bad when you use that particular word to describe it I prefer the term "unwilling bondage." And no, I don’t mean getting kinky with E.T. (you sickos). While it won’t necessarily be the end of the world, I imagine that for most people, if they can’t watch their "Felicity" every week, it’s practically the same thing.

Added Bonus: Vague Nostradamus-like Prediction

The twisted-ramp building shall see an angry chicken cast its walls down in a cluck of fury.

So there you have it, a complete list of possible world-ending disasters to keep you awake at night. And while an apocalyptic Y2K _might_ not happen, some of these predictions are sure bets, so it’s safe to say that something bad will eventually happen. So if you haven’t already, remember that there’s still time to go out and stockpile your food and build your Y2K shelter.

December 1, 1999