Dear Z and D,
I do apologize for not including the original tray artists and I’m very glad you wrote. I’m also pleased that there are more tray artists out there. I was at first disappointed that there were so few. As per forks versus knives, I’m only half-misinformed. YOU may have used forks but Nat, the one who shouldn’t have revealed himself, professes to use a dining hall knife. I, however, am not willing to debate the various merits of each utensil. I’ll leave that to the three of you.
And please, if you have occasion to ever eat in John Jay again (I can’t imagine why you would) carve some more.
Our forces will assemble in Butler Lounge at 1:25 AM.
Cool! Did this actually happen? Let us know, cause no one we talked to has any idea. And, isn’t feng shui a Chinese thing? Like, not really under the jurisdiction of Athena,. Oh, yeah and, sorry we didn’t get this out sooner, but we don’t come out that often. Give us at least three weeks next time, kay?
Please be advised that we have decided not to send our daughter to Columbia University. This decision is based in large part-upon the existence of your publication which represents a depravity of thought previously unknown to our family. We will continue to pray for you.
name withheld upon request
Finally, you noticed! Well, we’re depraved on account of we’re deprived, by parents like you no less. Wihtout previous exposure to it, we’ve actually come to think potty humor is funny. Be weary lest your little angel should suffer the same the fate. Here, or at Yale, she will be exposed to fart jokes and cockstars, all aimed at stealing her innoncence, so either lock her up for good, or sit her down for the most thorough discussion on depravity you could possibly withstand. When she is then confronted with people like us and our brand of degradation, she will be casually amused and not forever scarred or, worse yet, lustfully intrigued. She will already know what anal sex in the tunnels with a stranger might be like and cast away the opportunity to partake because she wishes to maintain the integrity of her colonic tissue.
Otherwise, good riddance to bad rubbish, and keep praying for us. As my second choice for birth control, I’m a huge fan of its benefits.
I haven’t seen the movie, so I can’t really resolve this. But, on second thought, maybe I did see it but don’t remeber it. Who gives a fuck. Your letter sucks.