The Fed


From you the people

Frustrated With Tray Bon

To Whom it Tray Concern,
We are writing in response to the article "Tray Bon" in the last issue [the Non-Issue, Nov. 1999] of the Fed. In this article you fail to cite half of the tray artist duo who began the trend in John Jay dining hall. Last year, in an attempt to liven up the cafeteria atmosphere, we, ’Z’ and ’D’, carved over 160 trays. You can recognize our trays by our signitures at the bottom right hand corner. This is our ’seal of quality’, a reassurance of first-trayte humor.

Also, your statement that you ’believe the only requirement [to be a tray artist] is the ability to wield a dining hall knife’ is misinformed. Actually, we usually used two or three different forks with varying degrees of resiliency to achieve perfect curvature in our letters. However, we did see one boy attempt to write a ’knife’ pun in a Tray last year, ’the knifel tower.’

The pun never ends,
Z and D

P.S. Tell Nat that a true tray artist never reveals him or herself (the man might get you).

Dear Z and D,

I do apologize for not including the original tray artists and I’m very glad you wrote. I’m also pleased that there are more tray artists out there. I was at first disappointed that there were so few. As per forks versus knives, I’m only half-misinformed. YOU may have used forks but Nat, the one who shouldn’t have revealed himself, professes to use a dining hall knife. I, however, am not willing to debate the various merits of each utensil. I’ll leave that to the three of you.

And please, if you have occasion to ever eat in John Jay again (I can’t imagine why you would) carve some more.

Laetia Kress

Feng Shui Me, Greek Tributaries

This message is to announce that Operation FENG SHUI will commence at 1:30 AM on the morning of November 24th (Tuesday night = Wednesday morning). At this time agents operating under the auspices of the goddess Athena will be taking over the Undergraduate Reading Room in order to restore the historically authentic seating plan, essential for the free circulation of ch’i energy throughout Butler Library. Legend has it that Reading Room 209 was once a great pickup spot -- before its untimely and capricious rearrangement.

Our forces will assemble in Butler Lounge at 1:25 AM.

Signing off,
Jim Herms

Cool! Did this actually happen? Let us know, cause no one we talked to has any idea. And, isn’t feng shui a Chinese thing? Like, not really under the jurisdiction of Athena,. Oh, yeah and, sorry we didn’t get this out sooner, but we don’t come out that often. Give us at least three weeks next time, kay?

Pissed Parentals

Please be advised that we have decided not to send our daughter to Columbia University. This decision is based in large part-upon the existence of your publication which represents a depravity of thought previously unknown to our family. We will continue to pray for you.

name withheld upon request

Finally, you noticed! Well, we’re depraved on account of we’re deprived, by parents like you no less. Wihtout previous exposure to it, we’ve actually come to think potty humor is funny. Be weary lest your little angel should suffer the same the fate. Here, or at Yale, she will be exposed to fart jokes and cockstars, all aimed at stealing her innoncence, so either lock her up for good, or sit her down for the most thorough discussion on depravity you could possibly withstand. When she is then confronted with people like us and our brand of degradation, she will be casually amused and not forever scarred or, worse yet, lustfully intrigued. She will already know what anal sex in the tunnels with a stranger might be like and cast away the opportunity to partake because she wishes to maintain the integrity of her colonic tissue.

Otherwise, good riddance to bad rubbish, and keep praying for us. As my second choice for birth control, I’m a huge fan of its benefits.

Hey, I Don’t Have Bitch Tits!

hey. that chick, elana schor, claims that brad and crew "castrate an elected official." those of us who were breathing, while watching this movie, realized that they didn’t actually castrate him but just threatened to.

(actually, on second thought, maybe they did castrate him... well... who gives a fuck, either way the article sucked.)

your reader,
Stephen Francis Miller
P.S. i liked the article on sex in lerner.
P.P.S. the article by Jacqueline hidalgo was good too.

I haven’t seen the movie, so I can’t really resolve this. But, on second thought, maybe I did see it but don’t remeber it. Who gives a fuck. Your letter sucks.

Jigga wha?

From: a hamilton [address= none of your beeswax]
Subject: What The Hell Did You Say About Dead Baby Seals!!
December 1, 1999